Episode 293
How I Clean Up The Mistakes I Make In Relationships (With Others And With Myself)
In relationships it’s hard to admit when you’ve did something wrong or made a mistake or just stepped out of line with your character. I’ve had a tough time in the past admitting to and owning my relationship missteps, and I’ve had plenty of instances where I powerfully owned them and plenty when I did not.
In the instances that I DID clean it up, it always felt so much better afterwards! I felt lighter, felt like I could move forward (move on), felt more excited and energized. Even when the conversation didn’t go well.
Cleaning it up is important because there’s a big impact when something is off in a a relationship that’s important to you. Those missteps and tensions weigh heavily on us emotionally, mentally and physically. It’s a weight and drain when you have messy relationships. Not just relationships with others, but with your self too.
Cleaning it up is a way to acknowledge what you did or where you messed up, own it, do what you need to to make amends, so that you can move on!
In today’s episode I share examples of how I apply the “clean it up” idea to relationships (both with others and myself), and I show you how you can take full responsibility in relationships so that you can create more powerful connections.
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MAGIC
Client magic: husband got creative on their 1 year wedding anniversary and brought the special dinner to her since they could not go out to a restaurant.
LISTENER LOVE
Thank you Christine!
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EPISODE
Today we’re talking about relationships, and specifically how to clean up the mistakes you make in relationships.
Mistakes is even a strong word here, what I’m referring to are those moments when you didn’t show up the way you wanted to. You did something or said something that was uncharacteristic, or just not in alignment with who you know yourself to be. And you feel the tension in the air within the relationship as a result.
There have been many times in my relationships where I did something that was out of alignment with who I wanted to be, and it left a bad taste in my mouth.
Sometimes I cleaned it up. Sometimes I didn’t. I’m not perfect, and this area is one of the most challenging because egos and emotions are so involved.It’s hard to admit that you did something wrong or made a mistake or just stepped out of line with your character. I’ve had a tough time in the past admitting to and owning this, and I’ve seen just how impactful it can be in a relationship.
In the instances that I DID clean it up, it always felt so much better afterwards! I felt lighter, felt like I could move forward (move on), felt more excited and energized. Even when the conversation didn’t go well.
Cleaning it up is important because there’s a big impact when something is off in a a relationship that’s important to you. Those missteps and tensions weigh heavily on us emotionally, mentally and physically.
It’s a weight and drain when you have messy relationships. Not just relationships with others, but with your self too.
Cleaning it up is a way to acknowledge what you did or where you messed up, own it, do what you need to to make amends, so that you can move on!
The misstep is the withdrawal, and cleaning it up is how you START to make deposits again (it’s not always the end all be all)
Here’s the thing: You’re going to expend energy either way!
Not cleaning it up: energy spent dwelling on it, being frustrated, anxious, judgmental, passive aggressive
Cleaning it up: energy spent facing it, having the uncomfortable confrontation, getting back into integrity/character
Only one of those scenarios allows you to move on.
Examples
Example 1 (where the term “clean t up” came from) : 98toGo clean up policy on being late (pushups, do them and move on)
Example 2: Me realizing I didn’t keep my word and was out of integrity with a client >> Mahesh, promised to deliver something to him by a certain timeframe, didn’t do it, felt out of alignment, called him to clean it up.
Example 3: me leaving the house frustrated and taking it out on Sarah and Maya, catching myself 100 yards down the road, reversing and going back inside to redo my exit the way I wanted to.
Here’s how to do it in your life:
Recognize it
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Have a clear idea how you want to be and show up in your relationships (remember, relationship with SELF is included here). This is where a mission statement/purpose statement comes in handy. Otherwise, just think about what you’d like to embody most in your relationships.
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RECOGNIZE IT — Develop greater awareness around what it looks like and feels like to NOT be embodying those things. Think back to a few examples when you were out of alignment with who you want to be: what were you thinking, how were you feeling?
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for me, there’s just a general feeling of being unsettled that I feel. I know I’m straying from my center, and it just doesn’t feel good. I feel impatient, generally not very present (thinking about something in the future), feeling a bit anxious/nervous. Unsettled is the best way to put it.
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OWN IT — take responsibility for your actions. Don’t blame the other person or blame circumstances. “Well I was late because of traffic” NO, you were late because you didn’t leave your house early enough with enough time to account for potential traffic. It was YOU that made you late, not the traffic. In my other example where I left the house frustrated, I could have remained frustrated at Maya “You need to learn to control your emotional outbursts, 3.5 year old daughter, so that you don’t trigger daddy”. NO, I was triggered because I didn’t do a great job of managing my emotional state up until that point and I allowed myself to get close to my tipping point. It was on me. So OWN IT. Failing to take responsibility for the things you’ve created in life is a sign of immaturity. Immature people rarely create Abundant Loving Lives where they have it all (because recognizing that you’re the dreamer, designer, and builder of your life is key to having it all). So this step is vital.
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CLEAN IT UP — sometimes there’s a thing for you to do (many times admitting where you fell short and apologizing if it calls for it). Other times there’s a consequence that you need to do (like me doing pushups). Whatever it is, clean it up. Do the thing in the moment that is needed for you to get onto the next step.
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LEARN FROM IT — there’s a lesson in it for you, learn it or you will repeat it.
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MOVE ON — once you’ve done all of the above, release what went down. Dwelling on it, beating yourself up for it, being mad at someone else for it, is NOT the powerful move. It’s time to move on. Moving on means that you’ve learned the lesson, you’ve done whatever you needed to do in order to get back into integrity with yourself, and you’re ready to focus back on what you’re really playing for in life (that bigger why). If you are unable to move on, it means there’s still cleaning up to do. In that case, recognize where the mess remains and start working on cleaning it up. Is the mess within you (are you shaming or judging yourself?) Is the mess within another person (are you angry at them?)
This is the process that is effective for me.
AND, this process is not just for relationships with others, it’s for when you misstep on relationships with YOURSELF too!!! So important for you to hear that. When you step out of integrity with yourslef, fail to keep your promises to yourself, treat yourself poorly, there’s a withdrawal that happens tehre that impacts the trust you have in yourself. It’s important to clean that up as well. And so you can go through the same process to do that.
If you need help developing powerful relationships with others AND WITH YOURSELF, connect with me. Part of my coaching is focused on RELATIONSHIPS (starting with yourself and extending to your most intimate relationships to your outer circle), and my process really helps you to create those massively rewarding relationships where there’s trust, communication, synergy and fulfillment. So email me at matthew@matthewbivens.com and I’d love to help you.
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